The Country of Marriage

I give you what is unbounded, passing from dark to dark,
containing darkness: a night of rain, an early morning.
I give you the life I have let live for the love of you:
a clump of orange-blooming weeds beside the road,
the young orchard waiting in the snow, our own life
that we have planted in the ground, as I have planted mine in you. I give you my love...

Wendell Berry

Thursday, May 22, 2014

My life as a human incubator...

It all started with potato chips... I was eating them every day.

I don't like potato chips.

Then we made broccoli my favorite way to go with dinner... I couldn't stand the smell. I didn't touch the broccoli. I have still had a small aversion to broccoli, though not as strong.

My period was late, but I still didn't think I was pregnant... I had cramps like I would be getting my period any day.

It didn't come.

So... I peed on the stick, just to make sure it was clear to me, I got the one that says "pregnant" or "not pregnant". Pregnant the little stick told me. I was so flustered, I told my husband while he was talking to someone on the phone.

Then there was some bleeding... maybe I got my period after all? Where is the stick, pee on one again. Still pregnant.

Had a melt down at the doctor's office... still pregnant. I never heard of implantation bleeding?

Felt like I was going to vomit... all the time. Sustenance mainly being ginger-ale, cheerios, crackers, candied ginger, and banana/milk/cocoa smoothies. All I want is red meat- steak, burger, anything... give it to me.

Dad made spaghetti and meat balls.... couldn't go anywhere near it, it made me sick... what is this irrational thing happening with my stomach?

Now all I want are bagels with cream cheese... all the time. After a week, I don't even want to be near a bagel and cream cheese- my stash goes bad.

My stomach decided to be unreasonable again... now I HAVE to have burritos from Roburritos... and this craving lasts about 3 weeks. I start wanting them at 10a, it gets so bad I cry. That's all I want to eat, everything else in unappetizing.

3 weeks pass... I don't want any burritos... still haven't wanted a burrito.

My body, its rounder all over. Jeans aren't zipping, bras aren't hooking. Finally decide its time to get some maternity clothes. Its pretty nice not having to zip or button anything.

Ultrasound... there is our baby, our sweet little baby with a tiny face... its a GIRL! Husband and I are so excited. Oh wait, the mid-wife is worried that there is something wrong with her heart... Time to see a specialist.

The specialist, so kind. Told us there is nothing wrong with our baby. Her heart is ok. Breathe easy. She is in the 94th percentile...umm...

Sleep? What sleep? I am so sore the moment I touch the mattress. My body is rebelling against all these changes. I sleep in a fortress of pillows... where did my husband go? Maybe he is under the pillows? There he is... sleeping. I want to push him out of the bed for being able to sleep when I can't. No, I won't do that... too much work, I can hardly roll over.

I am starting to really look pregnant, now people are asking me if I am pregnant, no longer wondering if I am just putting on a few pounds. Hardly any of my normal clothes fit any more... looks like its maternity clothes for me.

Eating for two takes on a new meaning... I don't really need that much more food, but I am paranoid that what I am eating is what baby is eating.

My boob is burning. Call the midwife, I have mastitis. Go on antibiotics.

Routine appointment... midwife is concerned my belly "fundal height" is measuring small. I need to see a doctor and get another ultra-sound. "Poor fetal growth" Stressed. Take the glucose test. Failed.

Schedule appointment for Gestational Diabetes class. Get even more paranoid about what I am eating.

Go for growth ultra-sound... Ultra-sound technician looks confused... asks why I am there. "The midwife was concerned my baby is too small" technician looks at me... "I see nothing small about this baby. She is measuring in the 96th percentile" Yay for big babies? Doctor is concerned my baby might be too big... talks about c-section.

Let go of all my preconceived notions of how delivery will go. She will come out whatever way is best for her.

Take Gestational Diabetes class... start checking my blood sugar 4x a day. No numbers out of range. Doubting whether or not I have GD, but to be sure, I will keep checking sugars.

Maternity clothes... why is my belly hanging out? Maybe I need to get bigger clothes? I only have 7 weeks left... is it really work it?

So uncomfortable, baby girl is running out of room, apparently she is trying to tell my lungs and ribs to get out of the way. I think we both might be getting ready for her to come out.

Hot... AC turned up... husband is turning into an ice cube.

and waiting.

Soon we will have another ultrasound... see if our little girl is still so big according to the drs.

My cousin told me... There is a reason God makes babies on the insides of our babies... they are a secret. No matter the tests the doctors do, baby girl is still in God's hands, and the doctors can't really see in there. Only God can.

Rest in His sovereignty. Its hard.

Sister-in-law tells me... God created this baby in me... only He knows if she is too big or small.


Monday, February 24, 2014

Pregnancy- Week 20

It's been...
3 bran muffins
2 large cups of orange juice
2 cups of coffee since I pooped.

Welcome to the constipation stage of the game.